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Tuesday 5 March 2013

Let Them Eat Horse


Delicious-looking horse from Debatingeurope.eu -
Have you ever watched Man Vs. Food when you’re hungry? Watching Adam Richman wolf down mountains of juicy meat, smothered in cheese and piled onto a meal that looks like it was specifically designed to induce a heart attack while your stomach is starting to gnaw on its own tissue out of sheer desperation for a meal. That’s what the horse meat scandal feels like to me.


I’ve never willingly eaten horse, but it turns out that I have consumed at least some. Thankfully my diet isn’t depressing enough to include Findus ready-made lasagne (a mouth-watering 100% horse), but I have enjoyed Ikea meatballs before. However, the amount I actually consumed was so miserably small it’s only been described as “traces.”



Yes, it’s a travesty that companies are able to lie to us about the things we’re eating, blah blah blah, but the solution (take-everything-off-the-shelves-RIGHT-NOW) is a little disappointing. Obviously it’s not great for religious people who have some 2,000 year old grudge against horses, but maybe if god is going to sodomise you with a lightning bolt for disobeying his dietary rules it’s better to pay some fucking attention to where your food comes from. Do they really think these companies care about their outdated religious ideals? For all they know, Findus could dip everything they sell in pig’s blood just to add a bit of weight. If it isn’t listed on the ingredients, how is anyone going to know? Do religious people test for pig and horse DNA before they eat anything?



I’m in favour of a much simpler solution: just eat the damn horse! All it would take is a little change to the packaging: “may contain horse,” or even better: “100% premium horsemeat.”



Because really, who cares? I am yet to speak to any meat-eater who is actually opposed to eating horse. Granted, I’m virtually a hermit, so using this internet thing I found out that sales of frozen burgers almost halved as a result of the “scandal.” I’d hope that this is because of the general uncertainty about what we’re consuming, because having a problem with eating horse if you’re not a vegetarian/vegan makes about as much sense as somebody refusing to eat carrots for moral reasons. Especially if they still murder thousands of innocent onions.



Some people must have actually liked eating horse. One thing you can say with some certainty is that people who eat ready meals are more interested in convenience than seeking out new culinary sensations, so they’ll probably have stocked up on Findus lasagnes regularly. They tried it, liked it, and kept buying it. Now, just because we found out some little clip-cloppy horses got minced up in the mixture, they’re being cut off! I can only imagine it's like going without your usual midday rock of crack.



The entire thing has literally left me wanting to eat horse. I’ve never been interested before, but because of the furore it’s starting to actually bother me that I don’t know what horse even tastes like. It’s a delicacy in Japan, it was the original version of steak tartare in France (it’s become cool again in Paris since the media have been in a flap about it) and I’m really starting to wish it was available in the supermarkets. Maybe not in microwave lasagne form (but if you’re interested, people have been selling them on eBay), but as steaks or burgers it could be amazing.



It’s by far less disgusting than other things we eat, like mechanically recovered chicken, which looks like strawberry Angel Delight. They basically crush the chicken carcass into oblivion and then dress up the blood-stained, vomit-inducing mess that comes out the other end. Enjoy the hot dogs.



As for my curiosity – it’s happening. Obviously it’s still legal to eat in the UK (when labelled correctly, of course). You can buy it at exoticmeats.co.uk and I’m going for it. It’s nice to feel safe and comfortable with your supplier. The “Horse Burgers” page helpfully states:

IMPORTANT NOTICE: All of our horse burgers contain horse meat, we do not add beef to our horse burgers.

Thank god none of those filthy cows will be in my burger.

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